Paying Attention

I awoke this morning with a sense of existential dread. But it wasn't a vague dark curtain or a bleak anonymous doom. It had a name: election. It had a date: Nov. 5. 

Last Sunday I knocked on doors for the Iowa Democrats. I have been donating to campaigns, putting up yard signs. I've already voted. But last week's phone scrolling was wrecking me. I needed to do something proactive with the jitters of my pulse. So I joined one of my daughters canvassing.

Our door-knocking was aimed at helping registered Dems make a plan for getting to the polls, so the interactions were positive--joyful even--as we chatted with the sprinkling of like-minded Harris voters in this deep red county. But two of the women we talked to said they were scared. Scared. 

I've knocked on doors for previous elections, but have not heard those words from voters. Both women (two different houses) were over 70. And they were scared. 

So this morning's anxiety was not unexpected. But what had been edginess last week felt like gut-gripping alarm today. Ten more days. 

Until?

That's what I'm realizing. None of us knows what will happen after the election. What I do know is that it will be something. 

When my school shut down for COVID, I came to this space. None of us knew what would happen, what would unfold. But I thought I'd better sit up and take note. This page gave me a place to sort out a chaotic experience. It gave me a needed focus throughout the day: a command to pay attention. The uncertainty, the unknown, the ominous sense that our world is about to shift that I'm feeling today feels a lot like those first days of COVID.

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I didn't knock on doors today because I have somehow strained my back. I visited my neighbor. I read a book. I caught up on the laundry. I tried to stay away from my phone. 

Tonight at supper I asked Dan: Are you scared about the election?

Well, he said, I don't think anyone's going to come shoot us. 

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I'm not writing in this space to push my politics or persuade anyone to adhere to my beliefs. I am here to process what I'm experiencing in rural Oakfield Township, Audubon County, Iowa, in these United States of America.

Enough.
Be well.
Write.

Allison